i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
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“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Van Gone
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong