my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
You Might Also Like
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
*jingles half the way*
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like