Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
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[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS