I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
You Might Also Like
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.