Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
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*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.