While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
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Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny