good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
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It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
synchronized noseblowing
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.