All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
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If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?