Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
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Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
OMG 🤣🤣