“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
You Might Also Like
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
this has to be peak English
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.