Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
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texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.