me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
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this makes me so uncomfortable
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Check out the legs on this baby
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant