Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
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boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography