[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
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According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.