One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
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I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it: