What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
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Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
fired
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how