You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
You Might Also Like
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down