Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
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*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?