Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
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A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.