#StillHurts
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Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
i dont have time for this
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test