Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
You Might Also Like
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Siri: Retweet me.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?