Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
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her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
When you’re here for the treats.