One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
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I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Have kids, they said
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Blew my mind.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*