all i did was tell my dad i鈥檓 anaemic 馃槶馃槶
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There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can鈥檛 get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
馃憤
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you鈥檙e prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it鈥檚 thanks.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I鈥檒l hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny鈥檚 for setting off firecrackers.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that鈥檚 crazy
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What鈥檚 your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don鈥檛 have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I鈥橪L NEVER JOIN YOU!
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
You鈥檙e not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they鈥檙e not one of the children in your class and you can鈥檛 speak to them like that.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him