Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
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Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Awesome parenting 😂
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
how to exercise your calf muscles
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now