*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
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My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.