Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
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this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.