The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
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*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy