The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
You Might Also Like
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Very problematic