Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
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*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
This is a true ally.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.