the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
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[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
scares
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner