Meow
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It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Got him!
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Was it something I said?
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.