Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
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A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it