Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
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[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Guys, I found it.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends