All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
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Bitcoin. Toothurt.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u