My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
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she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
*praying for world peace*
God:
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
a public service announcement
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating