Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
You Might Also Like
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.