ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
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Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Perfect.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
hackers play passwordle
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’