Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
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Is….Is this an option?
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.