When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
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“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
how to have fun when you’re poor
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?