I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
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I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Pizza is an emotion right?
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
What
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.