That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
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6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.