Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
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My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
gentlemen, hear me out
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back