Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
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I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.