Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
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5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.