Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
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Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
sounds kinky. i’m in.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.