Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
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Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
happy mother’s day❤️
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Very good news from my accountant