[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due