Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
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God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.