* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
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ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.